When I ask couples what they find attractive about each other, I love the occasional response, he or she makes me a better person. Let’s explore what’s behind this response.

In the best of relationships, a person can be vulnerable. They can be themselves without judgement. They can share their deepest thoughts and feelings without criticism. They can explore themselves in ways they couldn’t in an unsafe world.

Partners can also challenge one to stretch themselves in the world. Maybe take calculated risks they wouldn’t take on their own. Maybe do something they wouldn’t necessarily do on their own. By stretching their capacity, one is not just being who they are, but more of who they are—having the support and encouragement to expand oneself.

What happens in the best of relationships is a person is who they are—but more deeply connected—and becoming more of who they are—by extending their skills and experiences.