Dr. John Gottman’s research identified two different forms of relationships –  Masters of Relationships versus Disasters of Relationships. The Masters were relatively happy and the Disasters were unhappy or ended their relationships. When couples were in conflict, Masters had five positive statements for every one negative statement (5:1), whereas Disasters positive to negative statements tilted toward the negative (.8 positive:1 negative). Additionally, when the couples were not in conflict, Masters had twenty positive statements for every one negative statement (20:1), whereas Disasters continued at their negative pace(.8 positive:1 negative).

The research is very clear that Masters have significantly more positive statements—whether in conflict or not. It is essential that couples counselors teach couples to transform negative statements into positive statements.

There are also additional factors that differentiate between Masters and Disasters. Masters know how to minimize intensity. These couples state their needs and take responsibility, whereas Disasters look for mistakes in their partners. Masters of Relationships also create a culture of respect, appreciation and affection.