It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it. A couple in their early thirties was having this discussion. They referred to “what” as the content of their discussion. They referred to “how” as the quality of their discussion.

The goal for couples is to have a respectful and responsive discussion about content, e.g., plans, parenting, chores, and finances. If a conversation escalates or goes in circles, successful couples can talk about how to bring the conversation back on track, for example, “I don’t like how you said that; please try again.” Then they can return to the what of the content.