Healthy, successful couples are able to manage conflict. To improve managing conflict in a relationship, Dr. John Gottman suggests being aware of harsh startups and accepting influence.

When couples bring up issues, 80% of the time it is women. When starting a conversation about an issue, it is important to have a softened startup versus a harsh start up. Softened startups address an issue without attacking. Harsh startups are typically critical or blaming.

Since men will be on the receiving end of a complaint 80% of the time, Dr. Gottman suggests that men accept influence. The difficulty with the term accepting influence is that it can be perceived as men giving in. The media used the term, “Anything you say, dear” to mock the husband surrendering at all costs for a happy relationship. Dr. Gottman was referring to the potential power imbalance of a woman issuing a complaint and a man dismissing the complaint as a way of maintaining power.

I think a more descriptive term is responsiveness. If a wife is issuing a complaint, it’s important for the husband to be responsive to that complaint—at the very least to hear the complaint and hopefully to respond to the complaint. When I work with men who dismiss the complaint, I am coaching them to be responsive, even if they disagree.

Jen complains that Bill comes home late from work. A dismissive/defensive response would be, “No, I don’t”. A more responsive response would be talking about: the frustrating demands at work that keep him at work (as an explanation and not as an excuse), the unpredictable traffic or how much he wants to get home earlier to have dinner as a family and spend more time together. Maybe the couple discusses how to adjust the work schedule or how to create more family or couple time on the weekend. “Anything you say, dear” now becomes “I hear what your say, dear.”