Tom was making a joke. When Judy responded negatively, he said, “Can’t you take a joke?” Instead, Judy found Tom’s “joke” insulting.

A joke is only funny if the audience laughs. Imagine a person doing a stand-up routine and no one in the audience laughs throughout the show. Since the person isn’t creating the desired result—a laughing audience—the person wouldn’t be a successful comedian.

The same is true in marriages. A comment is only a joke if a partner laughs. If the recipient feels hurt or insulted, then the initiator is criticizing or attacking.

Sarcasm, which can be a type of humor, is typically a mixture of humor and criticism. When sarcasm is expressed directly at a partner, the recipient is more likely to hear the criticism than the humor. When it’s made about a third party, it can be funny, as long as it’s not about a family member or friend.

In fact, sarcasm is considered contemptuous. Other forms of contempt are mockery and belittling. Since contempt is the number one predictor of divorce, it is important not to use sarcasm directly with a partner. A person is only funny if a partner laughs; not when a partner squirms or grimaces.