Escalation is a core problem in many relationships. If a person starts a conversation with a negative comment, the likelihood of a partner responding negatively is 94%. Therefore, it’s easy to assume that the likelihood that the third comment will be negative is higher than 94%. It only takes two or three negative comments to escalate from a conversation into a conflict.

Once a couple escalates, it’s easy to say mean and hurtful things, including statements not meant and regrettable.  Negativity is much more powerful than positivity. Escalation erodes relationships and underlying issues rarely get resolved.

One husband told me, “There’s no lesson to learn during an emotional flare up.  I’m trying to sit with my feelings before reacting.” Avoiding escalation, rather than responding immediately with raw emotion, is a crucial skill for successful couples.