When discussing relationship issues, it’s more effective to use statements than questions. Statements declare what an individual’s thoughts and feelings are on a particular topic, whereas questions put the focus on the other person. Statements allow the couple to go back and forth, clarify their positions, and maybe devise a solution that works for both.

I started counseling with a couple in their early thirties. The husband had a history of mistreating the wife and was expressing remorse. When the wife started asking questions, she didn’t seem to be part of the discussion. The questions seemed distracting, since the focus was now on the husband rather than the wife’s reaction to his words. Maybe she was still furious about his mistreatment over the years, or maybe she appreciated the work the husband was finally doing on himself. 

I had the wife switch her questions into statements, and she became more present in the discussion. She was both angry at him and appreciative of the work he was doing. Her tears made him more aware of the negative impact his harsh words had had over the years, and she also reinforced his progress. Now they were discussing their turbulent history and how to overcome it. Use statements to work through issues.