Jeannie works in the restaurant industry. When she was working Christmas Eve, her husband Rick planned to make the night special despite her not being with the family. Rick took their nine year old son Bobby into town to do some last minute shopping. They ended the night surprising Jeannie by showing up at the restaurant where she worked.

The next day Bobby was dragging. He was tired from the late night and was irritable despite it being Christmas morning. Jeannie criticized Rick for being out late with Bobby—making their Christmas day unpleasant. In addition, Bobby was whining about the gifts he was getting. Rick was critical of Bobby’s attitude, which further aggravated Jeannie. It was an unpleasant holiday.

In our marriage counseling session, we redid the previously intense interchanges. Instead of Jeannie being critical of Rick for keeping Bobby out late, she said, “I wish he wouldn’t have stayed out so late.” Instead of responding defensively, Rick talked about wanting to make the night special for them by unexpectedly being together. He acknowledged he could have brought Bobby home earlier.

They also redid the interaction in which Rick was critical of Bobby’s whining. Instead of being critical, Rick said, “I want you to appreciate the gifts that you are given.” Since the statement was non-critical, Jeannie wasn’t set off by Rick’s comment. By learning to make critical comments non-critical, the holiday escalation could have been avoided.