Tom and Alicia were rehabbing a bathroom and needed to decide on the fixtures. Alicia shared the plumber’s suggestion of showerheads and Tom researched the various possibilities. Still, when they tried to talk about the decision, their conversation got tense and so they brought it to our counseling session.

In the session, Tom said “You need to call the plumber and see what he thinks of this showerhead.” The lead in phrase “You need to…” is likely to be a command; one is telling their partner what to do. Very few spouses like to be told what to do and so it derails the conversation.

In the session I had Tom change a few words. The lead in phrase became “I think.”  “I think either showerhead would be acceptable so let’s go with the one that’s least expensive.” The initial command is now Tom expressing his thoughts. One more change and the conversation would work; “If you wouldn’t mind, can you call the plumber and see what he thinks?”  The initial command is now a request.

Those two changes were all that was needed to create a different end to the story; it demonstrates the subtlety of communication.  The lead in phrase makes the difference between issuing a command and expressing one’s thoughts or making a request. The “You need to…” lead in phrase is likely to lead to escalation and the “I think…” and “can you?” lead in phrases are likely to lead to discussion.