Kevin said, “I’m not sure this is the right relationship for me.” Patty found this statement extremely distressing. Kevin and Patty disconnected from one another, to the point of Kevin leaving the family home. The status quo was not working and they came to see if they could restore their relationship.

Whether a relationship can be repaired isn’t always clear initially. However, since they were engaging in marriage counseling, it was important for the couple not to make statements that questioned the viability of the relationship, e.g., we’re incompatible.

Spouses may move in different directions as they commit, raise a family and advance their careers.  But if a couple is truly incompatible, they typically don’t continue dating. Early in a relationship, the couple is compatible enough to commit, but life may take them in different directions and they don’t have the communication skills to readjust.

When couples say they fell out of love as a reason for not continuing a relationship, the majority of couples I work with are no longer in love. They may love each other as the father or mother of their children, but they are not in love—that is what we are attempting to revive.

I encouraged Kevin not to make statements that referred to the marriage not working. At any point in couples counseling, either could come to that definite conclusion. But to draw conclusions out loud prematurely, especially while they were working on their relationship in couples counseling, could feel threatening or unsettling.