Shoulds are problematic in couples counseling. When someone thinks their partner should do or say something, it imposes an expectation on the partner. Shoulds have a moral tone of what’s right and wrong. If the partner doesn’t meet the expectation, it can unnecessarily create conflict. 

One client shared that her mother told her that shoulds are coulds. In other words, instead of imposing exceptions through shoulds, one could do or say something. Now, the language conveys an option. 

Let’s say a partner feels blamed. Instead of saying, “You shouldn’t blame me,” let your partner know you feel blamed. “I feel blamed” allows one to express themselves without the moralistic expectation.