Gary wanted Emily to take off the Friday before a Monday holiday. Since it was difficult for Emily to do so, she took off Tuesday instead. When they were spending Tuesday together, Gary was agitated. He felt compelled to address work issues that were weighing him down. Emily complained that she needlessly took time off from work since they weren’t going to spend the day together. Gary dismissed Emily’s complaint by saying, “It’s not a big deal” and then blamed her for not taking off Friday.

In the couples counseling session, Gary began saying, “The reason I did this….” However I cut him off since he was defending his being dismissive and blaming. Instead I had him start with the lead-in phrase “I was feeling” and he shared with Emily, “I was feeling disappointed about not getting together on Friday since I was hoping we would spend more time together.” Just by changing the lead-in phrase, Gary was able to express caring instead attacking and defending.