Jeff and Abby are struggling. Abby is absorbed by her demanding job and tending to their young children. Jeff is personally struggling and using alcohol to cope. In our couples counseling, Jeff says he needs Abby to be more attentive and present with him. Abby says she’s reluctant to spend time with Jeff because of his drinking. 

This couple is caught in a classic blame loop—Jeff doesn’t want to address his drinking unless Abby is more present with him. Abby doesn’t want to spend time with Jeff until he addresses his drinking. In a blame loop, there is little possibility for change.

Change occurs in relationships when individuals work on themselves. If Jeff works on his drinking and Abby works on being present, independent of one another, they have a fighting chance.