Bruce and Cindy were vacationing in Palm Springs and walked into an eyeglass store. Bruce saw a pair of Maybach glasses for $14,000. He called Cindy over—astounded a pair of eye glasses could cost that much. Cindy gave a look of disgust and walked away; Bruce was angry at her reaction.

They processed this incident in the office. Bruce said he was curious what a pair of $14,000 glasses looked like and wanted Cindy to see as well. Knowing they would never buy such an expensive pair of glasses, Cindy perceived Bruce as playing the salesperson. Bruce initially responded by saying, “This is who I am.” I told Bruce that his response was defensive, and I suggested an alternative response by saying, “I was just curious and thought you might be as well.” Cindy talked about feeling self-conscious in that situation. If Bruce wanted to look on his own, she was fine with that, but since he included her, it made her uncomfortable.

Both initially tried to convince the other that they should come around to each other’s side. However, by having a discussion rather than an escalation, they were able to understand the underlying dynamic of the conflict—Bruce was curious and Cindy was self-conscious (being shown a pair of glasses they never intended to purchase). Cindy apologized for her initial reaction. As a result, they had a deeper appreciation for each other’s personality.