In my first meeting with Sherry and Luke, Sherry said she was ready to leave the relationship. She doubted their communication and ability to function as a couple would be okay. They were married for two and a half decades, and arguing was featured in their relationship. When they first met, she said Luke was sweet despite having a temper. They had three bouts of couples counseling earlier in their relationship, but it wasn’t helpful. Sherry said she was verbally abused throughout the relationship and that Luke couldn’t handle his emotions.

Both of them grew up with abuse in their families, and Luke said his parents argued and constantly fought. Sherry described their pattern as Luke being aggressive, and she would emotionally break down and get depressed. When I asked them how motivated they were to stay together, Sherry said 50%. When I asked them how motivated they were to work on the problems in their marriage, Sherry said she was motivated if Luke made progress. They still enjoyed time together and had a great sex life, which was uncommon for a relationship with so much negativity. Luke was also in individual counseling during our couples counseling.

With a couple like Sherry and Luke, the goal isn’t to save the marriage but to explore what’s possible. Couples counseling is designed to teach new skills, but it’s still up to the couple to implement these skills. Sadly, after nine months of couples counseling, Sherry decided to separate. Luke continued to demean her, which undermined her emotional well-being.

Although most couples are successful in couples counseling, we also want to learn from couples who don’t stay together. In this case, the couple couldn’t execute the required skills.