In Dr. John Gottman’s Love Lab, he discovered that happy, successful couples have a strong friendship system. The partners know each other’s world, feel fondness and admiration for each other, and turn towards each other for connection. They generally perceive each other in a positive light, and tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt when their partner behaves negatively. The best of relationships have life dreams together and healthy rituals of connection.

Happy, successful partners are not the typical couples who participate in couples counseling. Couples in couples counseling usually have patterns of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (the Four Horseman) that interfere with their ability to have a strong friendship.

Many counselors think the initial work is to strengthen the friendship. They may suggest spending more time together, going on a date, complimenting a partner daily or just being kind to each other. These are fine things for couples to do; however, it is difficult for couples to be successful with these suggestions when negativity pervades their interactions.

Spending time together is likely to be filled with negative interactions or feelings of disconnection rather than being restorative. Compliments and kindness don’t undo the power of negative statements—which are twenty times more powerful than the positive statements.

The focus of couples counseling is to minimize the negative interactions so the couple wants to revive the friendship. Counseling sessions are a training ground for couples to communicate directly about unresolved issues without using the Four Horseman. Friends naturally spend time with each other and typically treat each other with kindness.