Diane asked Tom about his time with the kids at the Marshfield Fair and he mentioned that they got fried dough. Diane loved fried dough and was upset that he didn’t think of her and bring some home for her. Tom said that it would be cold by the time he got home.

Diane judged Tom for his thoughtlessness—of not bringing fried dough home. Tom’s response sounds like an excuse and seems disingenuous.

A more effective comment by Diane would be, “I wish you brought me home fried dough.” This statement provides feedback to Tom of what she would like to see happen in the future but doesn’t judge him. A more honest response by Tom is, “It didn’t occur to me, but I’ll do differently next time.” It’s responsive to her feedback.