Amy and Jack reported that they had a four hour “unfiltered “conversation since their last couples counseling session. I knew unfiltered was not good, e.g., yelling, accusations, and lack of resolve. As we often did in couples counseling, we talked about the topics again in a more productive way.

Amy was particular about how she wanted the house to look. She shared that after a long day of work, she needed the kitchen to be straightened in order to feel settled. On their own, she attacked Jack for what he was doing wrong or what he was not doing. Instead, I had her express what she needed.

In the same unfiltered conversation at home, she also attacked Jack for not locking the doors on a particular night. In our session, she expressed the importance of feeling safe, especially since she was previously a single mom with two young daughters at home. Jack got it.

Their conversation was now a filtered one—devoid of attacks and defensiveness and now about what Amy needed—a straightened and secure home.