April wants to adopt a child and Dan is reluctant. April was bulldozing—pushing her position — and Dan was stonewalling—digging in and shutting down. The issue was taking down their relationship.

Unable to resolve this issue on their own, they brought this intractable issue to couples counseling. During the counseling, I didn’t allow them to lock into their positions, and we had a conversation.

April learned of a child’s situation from a close friend. This young boy had a history of abuse and neglect. She wanted to give this boy opportunity and thought they could change the direction of his life. It was her small way of changing the world.

Dan wanted to have his own biological child. Legacy was important to him and he feared the adoption would lower that possibility, especially as he was approaching forty. He didn’t want the adoption to hinder his dream.

In our conversation, Dan and April were able to hear and understand each other’s position. It was easier for Dan to support April since she seemed to have a deeper appreciation of his feelings. Since April was being sensitive to Dan’s desire for a biological child, they decided to begin their family by pursuing the adoption, in addition to eventually having a biological child.