Cam and Laurie came to couples counseling, unclear if their marriage could survive. Now, they are having mostly respectful conversations and improving their support of one another. When I intervened in our sessions, it was typically the form of language that they were using. 

For example, Laurie said, “We are going to….” I asked her to change the language from a command to a request. Rather than insisting on what they would do, I had her put it as a request: “I would like to….” Now, she was expressing her wish or desire instead of ordering. 

Later in the session, Cam said to Laurie, “Why are you getting so worked up?” I asked Cam to change his rhetorical question into a statement. Laurie heard the question about what’s wrong with you since you are getting so worked up. Instead, Cam said, “You seem upset.” Now, Cam seemed to care about her well-being.

In the first example, Laurie eventually issued a request instead of a command, and in the second example, Cam made a statement instead of a rhetorical question. Knowing their history, these changes made the difference between a fight and a discussion.