When couples begin couples counseling, I encourage them to address the most difficult issues in the counseling sessions. As couples progress, the issues become more tepid and their skill set advances. At some point, I want couples to practice discussing their issues outside of the sessions. We hope their skill set is more advanced than the difficulty of the issues. Since we don’t know this definitively, there’s a risk that their efforts may blow up.

When the electrical system of a home is overloaded, a circuit breaker is triggered to shut down the system. When couples begin to escalate, they also need ways to shut down the dialogue, before it explodes. Since conversations can escalate within two to three statements, it’s advisable to shut down the conversation early in the sequence.

It’s helpful for couples to agree upon code words that suspend the dialogue, such as, “We’re escalating”, “This isn’t working”, “Let’s take a break”, “Let’s talk later”, “Let’s bring this back to counseling”. If the couple is to resume the conversation, research demonstrates that the couple needs at least a thirty minute break. It is also important for the person who ended the conversation to be responsible for initiating another attempt.

If either person determines that the topic will be too challenging to address on their own, it’s important to respect that individual’s request and bring the issue to the next counseling session. If the couple decides to discuss the issue again and it escalates, it is important not to make a third attempt and to commit to addressing the issue in the next counseling session.