When a couple escalates, they are in conflict and unlikely to resolve issues. If a couple starts a conversation with a negative statement, the likelihood of responding negatively is 94%. Therefore it only takes two to three statements to escalate, and subsequent statements can be mean.

A way to minimize escalation is to have a system for minimizing this. Once a partner recognizes they are escalating, a code statement such as “Let’s start over” or “Let’s reset” can identify the escalation—giving the couple a chance to attempt the conversation again.

Typically the dialogue starts with a critical statement and the response is defensive and/or critical in return. “Let’s start over “allows the couple to begin the dialogue again without the negativity. The hope is that the couple has the skills to be able to do this.