Normally I share stories about successful couples, but this story is about a couple who may not make it. I think we can also learn from these couples.

I’ve been working with Katelyn and Dave for a period of time. A few months ago I thought they had a chance. Katelyn always wanted to feel connected to Dave. She initially had high expectations of Dave and began looking at whether some of her expectations were unreasonable. When Dave didn’t feel he was making the grade, he tended to be combative and sometimes withdrew further.

More recently Katelyn has been dissatisfied again. Rather than being responsive to Katelyn’s dissatisfactions, Dave is talking about how he can’t be himself in the relationship. In couples counseling, we don’t want someone to be who they’re not, but we do need Dave to work on connecting with Katelyn. Otherwise, she may never be satisfied.

When she was working on her expectations of Dave, the relationship had a chance. But when she again felt disconnected, despite lowering some of her expectations, the onus fell back on Dave to change. If neither of them is working on themselves, they have little chance of succeeding.